John ‘Dare Okafor
Image Credit: Unsplash
Calvary greetings to the hearts that thirst and hunger to be used of the Lord; others should go and collect their greetings from the Acting Vice-Chancellor!
I’m Apostle Refiner Spiritkogelist Juventus Romanus by name, and it is my uttermost responsibility and delight to show you the rudiments of what it takes to be a premium spirikoko in this premier university. Believe you me, as the Lord liveth, by the time you are done reading this, you will not be your normal self. It’s quite pathetic that even after having been an active spirikoko in this University for the past three years, a lot of our brethren on campus don’t have an iota of vision of what it takes to really be a spirikoko in this fezz and bezz enterprise. I won’t waste time in fulfilling this mandate of reaching out to the lukewarm ones admist us. My mission is to ginger them into the consciousness of what it takes to be a spirikoko, starting with you.
Brethren, as a spirikoko in UI, your mannerism matters a lot. Remember, you are the light of the world and as a light, you must not be a disappointment. The speech that comes out from your mouth must be seasoned with prophetic phrases like ‘’God bless you’’, ‘’ It is well’’, ‘’ Peace be unto you’ and ‘’Glory!!’’. A second must not go by in a conversation withou you using such edifying words. Ha! They must know. They must know that you are made up of a power higher than you are – the Most High. See, the moment you become a spirikoko in UI, your name ceases to be your name. If Popsi or Momsi is not added to your name, that means you are an outcast. You are one of those people who only come for Item 7 programmes. You must always endeavour to be angry when people ( even your lecturers) don’t add Popsi or Momsi to your name. In fact, during exams, always include to your name on your answer booklets, so that you would be awarded extra marks; you earned it, after all.
By now, you must have been assured that, I Juventus Romanus, will never lead you astray; that’s why you must take my advice with all your heart. On dressing, you must never be caught fresh. Yes, I said what I said! You should know by now that girls in Awo Hall like fresh brethren, so, you must never allow them to be a stumbling block on your Christian path.
Sisters, desist from fitted dressers. The more fitted your dresses are, the more trouble you’ll be in; they must always be three times your size to cover those aspects of your body that may tempt the eyes of “wayward” Indy Hall C Blockites. Never forget to always despise and pass rude comments on other sisters in the faith that wear make-up and trousers at the expense of their salvation.
Prayer is one of our weapons of war. So, pray away; in at whatever time you wish, and for as long as you want. Forget it that you’re making noise. Who dares call prayer noise sef? Pray at the top of your voice, even when your roommates are the one on the receiving end of the disturbance. You should never pray silently; that’s a taboo. It is your duty to wake up before your roommates and begin to blast in tongues; show them you didn’t come to UI to count academic awards. When they confront you about your insensitivity and give you advice on how you can always use the fields in the hall or the Chapel ground for prayers, shout on them! Tell them how shallow and lukewarm they are in the spirit; shove it in their faces, brother!
As a spirikoko in UI, it is your duty to treat your fellowship EXCO as gods; they must be worshipped at all times. Whenever you go late to meetings and they punish you to go pray for five hours on chapel ground to build your spiritual web and stamina, you must always do as they say. You should never question their authority, as they are your school fathers and mothers who are ordained to lead you on the way of the Lord.
You should know by now that your fellowship president must always be taken care of; he must never be stressed since he is juggling tasks from the fellowship with his academics. In fact, as a female spirikoko, you should always cook fresh delicacies for your president. Make it your duty to take well-packaged flasks to him from Awo to Mellanby; isn’t it a blessed thing to be the Proverbs 31 woman? You should help wash his clothes weekly, as a way to show service and honour.
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When you invite people to your fellowship and they tell you that they have another fellowship they attend; don’t believe them. Insist that they must attend your own fellowship and tell them why yours is superior to theirs. Rebuke the obstinate spirit that wants to hinder them from getting the best. In fact, press their necks and choke them! If they make the mistake, sorry, wise decision, of giving you their numbers lasan, bombard them with text messages, WhatsApp messages and calls. You know their room number? Make their room your next abode, till they follow you to church.
As a spirikoko in UI, it is mandatory that all other spirikokos are of sound doctrine in all matters of the scriptures and understanding; so when people don’t agree with you on doctrinal issues, you need to start seeing them as potential enemies. If push comes to shove, knack them frying pan on the head! You’re doing them a favour by resetting their brain and redirecting them from the path of destruction. You’re a man of war; always there for the violence. Shun off every iota of 1 Corinthians 13 from your mind. Who love epp?
It is important to note that as a spirikoko in UI, you are prohibited from any other activities on campus apart from your academics and fellowship. Your horizon must not expand beyond these, as any other thing that comes after are distractions on your way to heaven. You should be heaven-bound and useless on earth.
I want to believe that you are now in that level where deep calleth unto deep, where your soul thirsts to sip more from my ancient and profound wisdom. You have been fully equipped with the rudiments of what it takes to be a spirikoko. I have completed the mandate, you’ve been changed; now go into the world and bring in more spirikokos into our fold. The Lord be with you, my brother and sister.
Yours in the Vineyrard,
Apostle Refiner Spiritkogelist Juventus Romanus