Travails of a Polysaccharide Patriarch

By: John Eriomala

I’ve listened to you all rant for the last two weeks; shaking my head at your lack of understanding. You people do not seem to comprehend the importance of what men like me do. See, it is necessary oh, very necessary what we the polygynists of Nigeria do.

My name is Chief Alomopupo, yes ke, catching them young, fresh and succulent. See, I’m here to advocate for a just cause; the marriage (legal or otherwise) of multiple wives and maintenance of extra-marital ‘extensions’.

You see me ehn? I don’t like telling lies. I don’t like pretending too. That’s why I tell everyone I meet that women are rare gems and as such one must try to collect as many as possible. I mean, why get diamonds alone if you can also afford to get safaya, sliva, and emirad.

After all, is it not natural for men to be polygynists? I don’t know the science sha and even if I did I won’t believe all those Oyinbo nonsense. Our forefathers had many wives and numerous concubines and lived very long lives.

In fact, they were healthier than us. Even those men in their holy books had many partners. Abraham, Isaac and the Prophet Muhammad himself. Shebi the Bible said “Be fruitful and multiply?” and that “He that finds a good wife finds a good thing”. And don’t tell me that one is just Old Testament; Bible is Bible. It is not enough that I find a virtuous woman, I must find her friends too and their own friends if possible. There is enough Chief to go around. I choose not to be selfish with my body.

As for why I have concubines, the matter is a simple one. These young girls just know how to get it done. Won buru oh! Kai! They know just what a 58 year old man needs. So, what if I’m using my financial status as bait and deliberately going after the naive and inexperienced? Did they complain?

My brother, my sister, it is merely a way to help awon omoluabi economically. I bet it with you that if my contributions to Queen Moremi Hall in UNILAG and Queen Idia Hall in UI were quantified, they would reveal just how important – no, necessary- my doings are; contributing to the local economy and giving back to the grassroots.

However, while reading through your attacks on my comrades, like that Nollywood actor and the prominent Oba that just passed, I noted many of you claiming that polygyny has too many disadvantages.

You these “woke” people and your “logik”. Like I said, I don’t like lies and so I admit that it has small wahala. The one that stresses me the most is the splitting of inheritance among my wives and children. 17 people in total oh. Well, I will find a way eventually. Some said there will be unhealthy competition among my wives. Forget that one; I mean, even animals practice “survival of the fittest”. For those worry about intimacy, just ask around.

They don’t call me Ekun for nothing. Once I mix that Agbo that I got from Ibarapa with small Red Bull, it is over! The remaining disadvantages are just minor minor things. Child neglect, increased expenditure, mental stress, risk of STDs etc are nothing but big Oyinbo. The truth is that polygyny is the one true way. All those worries are unimportant in the long run.

Take it from Chief today, “One woman is not and can never be enough”. Young people everywhere need to recognise that the old ways existed for a reason.

My own advice is for you to do it within your means. Be wise in your approach and I can assure you that one day names like “Zaddy” and “Sugar Daddy” will give you joy.



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