The Anatomy of UI Politicians; How to Become One

By: Echoda Daniel

Starting from the beginning of the second semester when elections are held, you have to begin to iron things out. This is the time to make yourself approachable and friendly even though you were not. If you never smiled, now is the time to put on a fake one, at least until after the election. Also, you need to go about giving the whole school a handshake, introducing yourself in many cases, even though you never interacted with people before now. You shouldn’t mind helping others to polish their shoes — if they asked. 

If you never cared about obeying school rules and regulations, make sure you start now and become law-abiding. For example, when you are studying a professional course like law where they require you to conform to a particular dress code: a white shirt neatly tucked into your black trouser, and a black tie to match. Even though you never took it seriously before now, this is the time to start – at least to put up an appearance for the moment. Don’t worry that keeping to those rules is so boring, you only need to, until the election is over.

Now, you don’t need to care about the well-being of your fellow students, the office you are aspiring for, or even the school; you simply need to say you care about your campaign graphics design. Keep sending your pictures to people’s WhatsApp inboxes for reposting, with a caption like #LagbajaCares, even though you don’t. You simply want their votes. Or maybe you actually care – for their votes! 

Another big strategy you must not overlook is to ensure you put yourself in everyone’s good books. Especially press men, treat them as MVPs as long elections are yet to be done. Take whatever they say now, seriously; and when elections are over, you can then ignore them. If they later come to scrutinize your performance, make sure you discard it and call it an attack on your person, even though it was your manifesto they used. 

Also, when you win, don’t take it lightly with anyone who believes that you are not doing your job; attack them, and if they are members of any organization, attack the organization too. To do it smartly, if you have any connection with any acclaimed independent media organization, make sure you use it well. For example, you can use the services of Balablu Reporters for a clap back against any press organization that in time past carried out its duties, in ways that offended you. The rule is simple: during campaign, you appease the press, and after election, you attack them.

Going further, if you will be contesting for the position of Food Secretary, for instance, you need not bother yourself about feasible plans for the office. You only need a good hand to help you write something which you will call a manifesto. You will then prepare it well for Press Night. Remember, you were never going to do what you promised if you win, anyway; you were only contesting because of the bragging rights and so you will have something on your CV. The little problem you have is how to escape those annoying press men during Press Night. 

In addition, make sure you lend your voice with others, criticize Nigerian politicians who hawk groundnuts, attend religious organizations, even when you are an acclaimed atheist, and do basic things you don’t usually do, all because the election is near and they need people’s votes. 

Instead of learning and imbibing good leadership qualities and the requisite skills for the office you are aspiring for, just focus on choking UI students with your many graphics designs, canvassing for votes using fancy slogans like “Cooking our way into the Secretariat.”

There are no strategies better than these detailed and proven ones which have been affirmed by a study conducted by Hazard School of Politics. It is proven in UI and has a promising outlook in politics outside the school. 

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