By Ayeye Toluwalope 

‘E don happen! My hand dey on top my head, and I know say true true, kasala don burst. Who send me message?’  

This is precisely the position my roommates want me to be in, but I don shock them. Lolzz. They don’t get it, emi idan; I can never be in a panic frenzy even if the world is falling. Never to be caught unfresh? More like never to be caught in a panic. The look on their faces is enough to tell me say I don give them e-la. Maybe I go still collect my e-la when the Book of Life comes out, but the key is to remain unfazed. If, like me, you want to make the best out of this semester, and you have roommates and friends that you want to pepper, then follow my lead.

The first very thing you need to do towards acing your studies is to attend all parties. Yes everywhere you see them take sound amplifiers and tiger generators to. This is, of course, the second semester when everyone deserves to and is throwing one party or the other. As a matter of fact, party hard like you are the craziest party animal alive. If anybody tells you to rather prioritize and avoid going to too many parties, look them in the eyeball and look them again through your slanting eyeball. If need be, quote the Holy scripture once written by wisest man on earth. The Solomonic book of Ecclesiastes chapter three verses any of the twenty-one proverbial verse. 

See, dem no like you, and you must come to the quick realization. Think of it, colourful parties all around, the perfect chance to boogie down, network without glitches, hook up with one or two, and throw your CGPA into an ethanol-based fire – a place where there is no pain. You honestly deserve to be having the time of your life, is it not your life, and even right? You don’t know it, but those trying to stop you want to ruin your reputation as a party animal. My dear, come on with me, we have to boogie down, lezz go down.

The second thing you need to do towards applaudable success is to join the train of campaigns here and there like there is no tomorrow. True, since not all days would be a party day. I know, I know, you might not be into politics like me, but my dear, there are many advantages to getting involved. Trust me; you don’t even have to run for a position; pitch your tent with someone running. Fame, allegiance, and maybe even wealth are just one of the many things you’d get when you put in your all in campaigning for anybody. Some even say there is money in politics, at least for your data. Data they say is life. You may not have imagined, but it feels terribly good to be celebrated by acclaimed Students’ Union leaders who know so much about Unionism.

‘Thank you all for your votes and support, especially Comrade Lagbaja; once that girl is on your side, just go and sleep; you’ve won the election.’ 

Omo, the first time this happened to me, my head got swollen like a balloon, and I screenshot it to frame it like a plaque.

Do you also want the whole UI to know that you are the best? Wear a cap that shows who you are supporting and start shouting the greatest gbogbo till you don’t have a voice loud enough for the 10 out of your 40 marks presentation. If your friends ever try to stop you by bringing up books and exams, get strength in the fact that they can only stop your shine if you let them, and since you won’t, they are powerless. If the need also be, remember the eyebrow strategy.

Now after exhausting all your time campaigning and partying, the remaining time you have, make sure you don’t waste it reading books. That will be a disaster. Instead, I want you to go to all the religious conventions and leadership summits you can go to. Remember that you are not in school just for the book; there are other things that would help you in the outside world. Those are the things you need to go for. And when your roommates like mine begin to sing, ‘Egungun be careful na express you dey go! Egungun be careful na express you dey go!’ as a form of warning for you, please don’t fret, instead wear your agbada and dance to the tune because, let’s face it, all na whining. They cannot beat you. 

After all the resourceful things you have done with your time when exams come, and all hope seems lost because you have not read and have never gone to class, please don’t be scared; Jah and I are with you. We’d lead you through even in the wilderness of TDB, and you’d be fine. For you, life has to be soft; greet friends, make some noise, eat like Oba idan, sleep for a while as you jam to the street vibe of Omoolalomi, wake up, eat again, chat with friends and then you try to read.

May your road be smooth. If people like my roommate and friends tell you that this semester na set up, tell them you’ll enter that trap with your full chest. The key is to have all the fun you can have, and when reality comes crashing down, act like you are in control while doing TDB. Las las, you go dey alright. Remember, say book no matter for heaven. Not even ‘the Book of Life’.