Photo Credit: Elise Castillo, PINTEREST

By: A Ready Scribe

1. Certain truths are self-evident, some very glaring. You can deny them at your own peril. For instance, the parenthood of a leader. It is surprising that some of you don’t know that the authorities are also our parents. I will enlighten you a bit.

Suppose we are in the animal kingdom, a leader like the lion would be protector of the realm, lord, king, almighty, mentor, and father. Your job as a follower would be to remain loyal, stand by your leader no matter what, believe them regardless of anything and everything, please them at all costs, and submit yourself to their will as a faithful child to his father.

You never call a leader by name. You call them “My leader,” “My boss,” “My daddy.” At the instance of a leader, you forget your father, mother, and siblings, because they don’t matter anymore. The crown is thicker than blood, you should know.

2. “One minute of patience, ten years of peace” is the supposed summary of the teachings of the Council of Elders. Although students like the rest of us, but elevated by grace. Accomplished elder brothers and sisters in our halls and faculties who were exalted into a class of their own after years of pandering to the powers that be.

The Council of Elders, you should know, is a sacred cult of self-acclaimed soothsayers, orators, pastors, imams, alfas, and teachers. They needn’t carry their Bibles and Qur’ans around, but believe me, they are always full of the message of salvation, a word for every season of your life, and ever ready to dispense.

If you’re hungry, they’ll prescribe fasting, because fasting at the instance of hunger brings you closer to the otherworld. And that state is particularly important to attain the blessings of the poor in spirit. When you’re nearly dead, you remember all the evils you’ve done in your life and repent instantly. That makes your heart pure enough for paradise. So you needn’t speak out when vendors on campus inflate prices, or when they charge exorbitant rates for transfers, because they are speeding you on in your journey to spiritual peace.

When you’re experiencing long spells of blackout, they will advise you to endure. Endurance is the pilgrim’s staff, and as we all know, we are but sojourners in this world. Only heaven is our home. So don’t get distracted by little things like not having light. It doesn’t matter if you paid for it. If there is no water, you’ll be exhorted to keep calm. Keeping calm in the face of such a situation is particularly impressive. The angels of God are immediately drawn to you, and to show their attraction, the Council of Elders would say, they send flies to follow you and bask in your natural scent. The scent of a righteous man. You’ll be surprised, I know, but those flies are messengers of angels, who should be allowed the blessing of kissing your skin.

When you complain that your toilets stink, they’ll upbraid you sharply. Don’t you know that the toilet is that smelly because of your big, big shit? You, that is always eating tantalizing egusi and brokoto. With the calibre of shit you put there every day, are you expecting that the toilet will not smell? But there are cleaners! Yes, but it is hard for them to clean up after that your shit. They wouldn’t tell you that those cleaners get around fifteen thousand naira to clean your toilet every day of the month. That such pay is not encouraging enough. But no one should speak about. Not even the non-academic staff union.

When you say the toilet needs renovation, they’ll tell you to be grateful you even have a toilet. There are people like you in Ajibode who do shot-put every time they want to tear out. Be thankful for what you have. Never complain. The management hates grudging voices.

You’ll be told that whatever you have paid doesn’t matter. Don’t you know that money is the root of all evil? As a pilgrim, it is to your advantage that people collect money from you. Yes, you need to do away with money, because if it stays with you long enough, it will begin to corrupt your heart.

The Council of Elders will teach you how to be holy by being totally useless to this world, because when you’re too invested in this world, you will lose your way to paradise. Most importantly, they will make you understand what you should know. That generally, there are two qualifications a person needs to be a father or mother to you. One, they have to be older than you. Secondly, they need to have a daughter, son, niece, or granddaughter who is around your age. Which makes the VC and other members of the management parent-figures who should not be offended. Never even if noble.

3. “The Christian race is not bread and butter,” said the Preacher. You must grab your cross and run ahead. You must never stop to listen to godless rabble-rousers who talk about what you should be given instead of what you should give. Haven’t you heard, “Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country?” Rebuke agitators who fight for your welfare, students whose only language is resistance. As for you, resist not the wicked. Even in the face of questionable circumstances, you shall ask no questions! Embrace hell.

In this journey, the wicked one will try and try to execute your downfall. He will come in different ways (using different students, he will attempt to make you protest and go to SDC so you can lose your studentship), but you will strive to overcome him (overcome them by being superfluously complacent).

There are three phases of life recognized by God. There is the stage where you’re called a father or mother. This is the stage many of our renowned preachers are in, where they can instruct younger people in the right path. There is the stage where you are called a little child. At this stage, you’re immature and unreasonable. You practically need guidance from older people, because as a university student you cannot exercise the ability to think and take conscious responsibility.

When you begin to take to these instructions, you grow until you get to the stage where you’re a young man or woman. This stage is a very critical stage. This is the stage of building. This is the stage where you lay your foundation. It is a time of choices, where each choice is a stone laid in the foundation, its consequences remaining a permanent part of your life. This is the time when you decide what you’ll be tomorrow.

So, do not be surprised if you find yourself in the chains of debt tomorrow, if you embraced the deceitfully beautified parcel elders have preached people into accepting. Do not be shocked if you find yourself yoked amongst several other stones in a mansion of poverty, being yourself the cornerstone, cut into shape by the teachings of exalted teachers amongst your peers.

God bless the Preacher! Such a captivating speaker (say nothing about his bad administrative skills, it doesn’t concern us). God bless all our daddies and mummies in the Ivory Tower! God bless all our brothers and sisters in the Council of Elders! If you want to shout, you can shout. If you want to jump, you can jump. If you want to scream, you can scream, but in all you do, don’t break chairs, and don’t hurt the Preacher. If you do, you will know mẹ̀mẹ̀.

4. Worry not about tomorrow. Think not about the next minute. Those who think are where? Somewhere in the good books of history, maybe. But you don’t need that, do you? Just find one cup of garri and manage until your 20k comes in for this month. Pass your time in quietness until you graduate into debt. Selah.

ABOUT THE CONTRIBUTOR 

A Ready Scribe is a member of the class of the oppressed, given to introspection and animadversion. As a member of the human society, A Ready Scribe hopes for change that will cut across all existing structures.