By: Gbayesola Samuel
“You don’t need a script before you make a banger.” All you need is the skills and a merciless heart,” says Oyenusi.
And so begins the gospel, not written on stone tablets, but on hostel walls, missing-item notices, and in the sighs of the faithful whose towels have disappeared again.
Moving through the streets of Katanga, announcements like this are not rare: “I am looking for 2 of my jeans I hung on the clothes line. Please, if you help me find them, kindly return them.” These days, such announcements have become the normal anthem across the halls. As these occurrences follow a distinct calendar rhythm of rising to a crescendo of public lament before receding into a watchful silence, awaiting the next careless offering upon the altar of opportunity.
Chapter 1: The Philosophy (Why I Do What I Do).
Let us begin by correcting this sentimental error, the myth of personal ownership. My role is not one of acquisition, but of liberation. I am a facilitator of what I term ‘Perpetual Lending,’ freeing an object from the restrictive prison of a single user.
You know, an object’s history is subjective. Its alleged ‘theft’ is a fiction that exists only in the flawed, sentimental memory of its previous custodian. If you forget you owned it, was it ever truly yours to begin with? So this is a transfer of ownership after a careful beckon of the gadget seeking deliverance and freedom.
Chapter 2: The Commandments (How to Succeed).
In the Oyenusi gospel, abstract philosophy is merely the prerequisite for divine action. The practical application of his tenets is laid out in a series of sacred directives, a body of work that contemporary scholars have termed the Doctorate of Fapology.
I. Thou Shalt Have Itchy Hands and Hasty Legs: “Do it so clean, send it unnoticed.”
A skilled hand blessed of the order of kleptomaniacy is never found idle.
The itchy hands represent a restlessness that signifies the disciple’s unique attunement to the silent prayers of neglected items. The Hasty Legs, in the words of Oyenusi, isn’t about fear of being caught, no. It’s about swift and holy efficiency. It is a refusal to desecrate the sacred site of liberation with one’s lingering presence.
II. Thou Shalt Master the Terrain: “Sleep well during the day, stay alert at night.
At night is a perfect time as diligent disciples are able to see that eye-catching offering tabled before them in a distant collection beautiful to run through. HE SAYS, Wear tactfulness and strategy as a coat. And should the night conditions prove unfavorable, the truly devout understand that the harvest can be just as bountiful in the clarity of broad daylight.
III. The Golden Rule of Triumph: “Sabi Run, Sabi Hide, Sabi Thief.”
Everyone who lives by his principle has this nature in them, and it does not fail, or does it?
The Warning/Prophecy
“Many days for the thief, but one day for the owners.” The old proverb speaks of a final day for the owner, but the Gospel of Oyenusi reinterprets this not as a threat but as a test of faith. For the truly devout, a doctorate in Fapology is the only shield against such a day, a credential that marks one’s rank in the kingdom of the perpetually borrowed.
The master’s final judgment, after all, is reserved not for his victims, but for the disciples who fail him. “To be caught is not a crime,” he is said to have written in his last known epistle. “It is apostasy.” Then comes the final, chilling promise: “The halls are only your starting point.”
And so the gospel spreads, leaving us with a simple benediction for all who reside within these halls, may your offerings never go sour, and may our hands remain free of cuffs.
*Fapology—study of Fab
Fap—a slang by Gen Z for theft
Usage—My cloth has been fapped.
