By: Linus Nice

Ehen! E don happen. Nah the tori I bring come. The perfect opportunity don land. Literally smash your academic goals like eggs, while bending to collect bucks. Believe me, the whole process is smooth and seamless, and its end, you will buga like a President would. Sit back and listen carefully to my tori. You will thank me (like a good boy or kneel as a bright girl) later.

Before I continue, if you’re a 100 level student, please get out of here! This piece of information is not for babies. Focus on your books so you can have the needed CGPA to apply next year, when Nigeria happens to your fees. And about your current fees? He will make a way, either in or out of UI. Also, if you have any health condition, please, look elsewhere. Perhaps to a rich uncle (if you have). Maybe crowdfunding. But you see the opportunity I brought, it is simply not for the weak.

From the browny furnished table of our benevolent daddies and mummies comes a ‘work and study’ scheme. Are you a student and part of the one hundred and twenty million poor people in the country? Is your account looking like amoeba as you read? Worry not! Help is here. Assist yourself by doing nicely selected odd jobs. Augment what you get from your parents or guardians by the strength of your own arms.

The ancient saying, “he who does not work should not eat“, remains ever timely. Only lazy students remain broke from ‘happy resumption’ to ‘happy holiday‘. Break that yoke today by applying for the work-and-study scheme.

Now, you may say ‘I work but I don’t get enough‘. My brother, my sister, work harder! The bigger the workload, the better for you. Even if it is a mountain that stands between you and your success, you can chisel out a pathway for yourself through hard-work.

Given the recent improvement on the academic calendar, many may complain that they would not have time for themselves if they work. As a student, are you supposed to have time for yourself? At this point of your life, is it not important to avoid frivolities. You should not be caught playing games or watching movies. That will not align with your serious-minded identity as a student. You should read like an animal and work like a jackal.

‘A little sleep, a little slumber; so shall sapa nab you like an armed robber’, says the holy book. This is for those of you who sleep six hours in a day. As a diligent student, your sleep time should not go beyond three hours – ‘3am to 6am’. Anything more than this will not only make you a candidate of Sapa, but will eventually take you to hell. Heaven is for the woke and diligent, not those who snore or slumber.

Forget that you will be asked to do something that has nothing to do with your course of study. It is part of the experience. We learn everyday and no knowledge is a waste. It will become part of your success story (if you eventually have one).

As you apply, don’t forget to bring your ‘omoluabi’ attitudes along. An omoluabi never complain. Every instruction should get a ‘yes ma’; even if you are told to roast your fingers. You dare not question anyone, not even your class rep. This is you-high, remember that coming this is only worth a privilege. If your employer decides to sit on your back, gladly oblige. This is the attitude expected of a good child.

Now, I must remind you of the economic situation of the country. It is a known fact that everybody is hard-pressed economically. Hence, you must understand, if it happens, that there could be a little delay in the receipt of your pay. If such a situation arises, take a chill or its variant, borrow a few cups of garri from your neighbor and wait. No condition, no matter how embarrassing, is permanent.

Suppose it happens that stress and depression drive you nuts, go for therapy, talk therapy. Sacrifice a few naira notes to visit a bar. In between sips of malt at the non-existing joints on campus, you can stress the discomfort out.

Last of all, in all you do, your CGPA must remain top priority. Look for ways to keep it where it should be. Multiple TDBs and MTNs a few days to exams will sort that out. Take water along in case you feel like fainting. If you eventually faint, no need to worry. Jaja dey for you. Great people are made for stories worth the pain.