By: Habeeb Abdul
Picture the University of Ibadan’s logo; picture huge teeth stretched from end to end. Now imagine it laughing at you… Not to terrify you, fresher, but that’s me — UI.
UI, THE ROMANTIC
Valentine’s is here so we might as well start with that. You remember those ideas you had back home? The ones where I magically swept you from misery into bliss. LOL. Fancy you.
Fancy, not wrong. For I, the Premier, am one of strengths — love not one. I endear my fresh with work, to tech I give no meaning. Multiple registrations? Disgruntling processes? Come off it! I can only show love through work. After all, you want undergrad pretty badly. And you can grow in masochism while at it. Look, forget any fever you’ve got. Stress, shivers, and sweaty blankets. They’re all me showing love, the abusive way I know how to.
How Could You Expect Better?
Okay, I made a mistake. I said you were fancy, I didn’t know how much. You dislike Tedder? Kuti? Hahaha. I can imagine the shock on your face; goofy strings of saliva as your jaw spread wide. Between yourself and the balcony are a few steps. The doors aren’t shut. You see a dysfunctional socket or two. The ground has debris, evidence your predecessors were great readers. They just couldn’t clean.
Zik? Indy? Come on. You can’t possibly think they aren’t better. The grandness of your own corner! Broken wardrobes. Missing louvres. Luxury.
The toilets? Right. We try to overlook that. You see, ‘conducive’ isn’t a real word around here. If we renovate, occupants like you despoil them. If we don’t, they still spoil anyways. Uhm… forget that they don’t have water and we haven’t done our best.
TOAST TO THE GOOD LIFE
Ah, you’re making me blush. I know, I know. Power is my strongest suit. See, I can keep your space aglow for twenty-four hours. I can do this for a week and more. And at no point will I go off. Coquettish smile. I am UI now. But erm… one small thing. I have a bias for the main school area. If you aren’t in the environment, I might just tend to cut you off for a bit. Not for long. Thirty minutes? One hour? I’m over seventy so I can’t say. The point is, you might enjoy a little less light than your central folks. Still, don’t fret. Katanga and Zik have their rooms. The girls have their long roads for privacy. You can’t have it all, you know. But it’s a good life.
We Strive for Perfection But…
You read that part about your hostels? Great. See, not many people like the idea. Our buildings are the stuff of pictures, but we can’t sell them to everybody. For instance, you must share with two, three, even five people. Never mind the mosquitoes. Baths and toilets? Just finish your study years.
So, our students go to Agbowo. There are criminals and transport to worry about but they would rather those than my subpar hostels. I mean, I’ve got light, security… My bad. Those are minimums.
LOVE ME OR YOU LEAVE ME
Don’t pretend you haven’t heard that line. You all, youngsters of the age, it’s all you ever do. Anyways, I told you about me already. I love you in a dysfunctional sort of way. The way a happiness-deprived adult can love a kid. Fun part? I don’t care. Be grumpy and do my chores, the unnecessary, demanding ones. Live it my way. Or be grumpy and don’t. Either way, I’m Team Win. I can throw you out the same way you came.