By Williams Owoeye
My name is Asante We-Run-Things a.k.a Buhari-Energy, and this is my public declaration to contest for the post of the University of Ibadan Students’ Union President. You all shall vote for me. While I am bold and I have claimed this position pre-election, it is not a bold claim at all. You shall see how.
Let me first clear this. I heard not everybody knows my name which I find to be very unfortunate. I mean, all it would take is to ask about me around town. From the clinical students in Alexander Brown Hall that I paid for their Health Professional Training Levy to the weekly free Uber rides I give to Awoites or the free lunch Zikites enjoy in my name in the cafeteria? Seriously, a person who doesn’t know my name should revisit their studentship.
For some of you still in doubt of my street credibility, below is a list of committees I have served on:
Budget Padding Committee 2018 (Member)
Kangaroo Committee 2018 (Head of Logistics)
Council of Elders in Shenanigans 2019 (PRO)
Board of Electoral Fraud 2019 (Assistant Chairman)
If you are still interested in other positions I have held, I can make available the 1000-page document containing my achievements on request. Some have however accused me that in most of these committees, I only attend their meetings once. I put it to you that these are people who don’t believe Buhari-energy is a thing, therefore they undermine it. These skeptics don’t know that my presence in a meeting just once gives the committee enough energy to run through their tenure successfully – this is what I tell them when I am in the mood for a chat. When I am not in the mood, I simply tell them to go and ask the chairmen of these committees that gave me the award of recognition.
Words have also gotten to me that some campus journalists have developed the migraine-inducing habit of keeping receipts. Let me use this opportunity to tell them they shouldn’t expect to see my manifesto. If they eventually get it, what they will see is a one-point agenda. Of course, I know they will be expecting at least two pages, we’ve got that covered. I am going to increase the font size of the summary of the agenda and “of the greatest gbogbo” will make up for whatever is left. That should give you a clue of what my administration is going to be about — vibes and wreckte sapere funds
Don’t be mistaken, my plans are huge and robust. I am only following the words of Femi Fani Kayode, my political role model who famously said “less is more” in 1900. Why use 5 pages to express what you can share with one paragraph? I have decided to tag my agenda “We Go Run Am” in order to capture the essence of the movement. My administration is going to make everyone happy from student to staff. Yes, staff as in school management. I have watched enough Bollywood movies to know how crucial the blessings of parents are. Meanwhile anyone that knows the meaning of loco parentis will know the school management is serving in this role so their happiness is of utmost importance.
What most of us fail to realise is that the school management is too honorable to lie. No serious person should think people that have dedicated at least a century of the lifetime to academia and administration will be telling cheap lies. Therefore, when the school management says there is a need for a hike in the fees, don’t expect me to lead a protest. The only thing protest does is to disrupt our academic activities anyway, so, it doesn’t have a place in my administration. Just dead the thought.
I am however considerate of the less-privileged among us who might not be capable of paying their school fees; we also have a plan for them. According to Yahaya Bello (2021), dire situations call for dire means. I would like to draw my inspiration from a particular rector who invested the students’ fees in Forex. This time around, it is the Students’ Union dues that will be used in that capacity. We are also aware of how unstable the Forex market is, so, instead, we will look out for beautiful dips to buy from the cryptocurrency market. Before my administration is over, the funds should have grown by 500% according to the advice from my Master of Coin. The proceeds from this will be more than sufficient to cover for the less-privileged and in the end, everyone is happy.
Imagine for a moment that during the SU week, Ben Carson came to give a health talk, Cardi B opened the floor during the award night at Awo stadium, and DJ Khaled rounded it off. With your vote, all these will become a reality right before your eyes. All in all, you should also consider that I am your boy, allow me to run this administration so that it won’t be run down by incompetent hands.