Campus Issues With Amazon: Becoming A Uite; The Freshman Epistle

By Amazon

Chapter 1

  1. Broad is the way that leads to UTME registration, many are they — including you — that walk therein, but narrow is the path that leads to UI Post UTME registration, and only a brilliant few — including you — thread the most coveted path. 2. For UI campus suffereth — studying aggressively and with — violence, and the violent — few, even fewer than the Post UTME  participants, including you — enter it by force.

Chapter 2 

  1. In the beginning — about 75 years ago — was the University College, Ibadan (then at  Eleyele). And it was a good school, and all those who attended it could attest to that. 2. Then it later came to be known as the University of Ibadan, The First and The Best (with its motto as “Recte Sapere Fons” which means to think straight is the fount of knowledge), a pride to all who are privileged to bag a degree from it (from the very beginning till now). 3. For if it is from Unibadan, then it is the best (most certainly of outstanding quality).

Chapter 3 

  1. The school had a Principal (in the beginning), and it began to have vice-chancellors, deans and sub-deans, more faculties, and more buildings. 2. And the era of enjoyment and elitism  (which included each student eating at the cafeteria using their meal tickets, and appliances like hotplates — which are not in common use in those days — being used to prepare meals at the halls of residence kitchenettes), the era of studying without dying came to pass as it is the tradition with good things. 3. And it came to pass, that a peculiar man occupied the seat of the vice-chancellor, and student protests (no matter how peaceful) became a thing of the past, and new fees were introduced as the old ones got doubled, and a new GP system (four points)  chased away the old (seven points), and everyone was happy (it doesn’t matter if you’re not,  everyone means the decision makers).

The Fresher’s Prayer

Our Father(s) (and mothers) 

Who art above (in the offices) 

Thine compassion we seek 

Thine discretion we trust in 

As those before us have done 

Give us this day (if you please), our daily supply of electricity (that won’t be too much, lest we  overread and break down) 

And lead us not into free speech (lest we err like some before us have done, and begin to think  of protests 

But deliver us from (the) evil (thoughts of seeing anything wrong with whatever you do) 

For thine is the kingdom (of UI, or your respective offices, or the roads to prohibit skating or  anything else that you deem fit), the power (to increase fees without informing the students as  we might or might not find out when we want to make payment), and the glory 

Forever and ever (as long as you’re in power) 


How To Be A Serious UITE

You must have your KDL card already, guard it jealously and never allow it to get lost (if your goal is to be or appear like a serious student, and because you don’t want to find out what the process of getting a new one is like). Now, that that has been settled, you need to understand that a triangular student is a serious student, and a serious student is a triangular student. Adopt and maintain the lifestyle and reputation of a triangular student.

…to be continued 




Leave a Comment