By: Rauf Mujeeb

If the University of Ibadan were a jungle, the AgbaScholar would not be the lion. The lion roars to announce its presence. The AgbaScholar, however, operates like a highly venomous snake, silent, unassuming, and deadly to the self-esteem of anyone who manages to snag a seat with them in the lecture halls.

For the uninitiated ‘staylite’ or the naive fresher, an AgbaScholar is simply a student with a first-class CGPA. But those of us who have suffered under the oppressive weight of the ‘First and Best’ academic culture know the truth. Agbascholarism is not just about having good grades, it is an art of pure psychological warfare and premium deception.

The deceptiveness of the AgbaScholar begins as soon as the academic session commences. If you were to ask the AgbaScholar how their holiday went, the response is always the same.

To identify these characters is not hard. They have mastered the pretentious act of  wearing a nonchalant attitude, heaving a sigh of wistfulness, and dramatically swinging their arms, displaying how well they ‘played’ and didn’t read a single thing, even though they have covered a whole course material. “Omo, nah rest I go rest for my pale house, I do not read at all,” they’d say in a distorted Pidgin English.

The AgbaScholar doesn’t sit in the front row, they sit at the back with you. They don’t carry big textbooks in public, they carry small jotters instead.

Their primary tactic is a surefire way to discourage you from studying. Imagine Ade going through his lecture notes and already getting tired. The AgbaScholar will look at him and say, “Ah, Prof! You have finished the syllabus. Leave something for the rest of us now. With this in your brain, 70 is guaranteed.”

They are professional hypemen. They have no intention of you spending money for the hype; they just want you to stop reading and go to sleep, eliminating you from the first-class race. Do not be fooled – it is a trap to make you feel comfortable with your own laziness.

The AgbaScholar will always have the most updated past questions and the lecturer’s main textbook, but they will never share them.  They will always them like scarce commodities. “Omo, make you guys show me the way now,” they’d say. “Where una dey see all this materials?” They will say this while talking about the lecturer’s slide that was shared on the group, masking the fact that they possess even more powerful means.

The AgbaScholar’s rhetoric and schemes become more pronounced as the exam nears. If you ask the AgbaScholar how their preparation is going, they will tell, “Omo, I haven’t even opened the slide. The lecturer is just confusing us. I will go into the hall and use common sense.”

While you are managing your loaves of bread and soaking garri to survive the night, the AgbaScholar is undergoing a nocturnal metamorphosis at the KDL. Under the dim fluorescent lights, they are doing TDB, aggressively consuming a 200-page, poorly printed slide until the paper threatens to be shredded.

Their actions become more dramatic on the morning of the exam. They will stand outside the hall looking disheveled, swearing to everyone that cares to listen that they are just going in to guess answers.

“Omo, the course is too hard, ah how person go do am. If I fail, I fail oh.”

The moment the exam starts, the facade drops. You’re sitting two seats away from the guy who swore he hadn’t opened the slide and who hyped you up. While you’re struggling with Question 1, you look up, and the AgbaScholar is already on the second page, writing furiously. The moment they raise their hand 45 minutes into the 2-hour exam and shout, “Sir, please can I get an extra sheet?” – that is the dawning moment you realize your life has been ruined.

So, next time a course mate ever calls you “scholar,” or tells you you’ve read enough, you should immediately declare war, drink coffee, and read for another six hours.

That course mate who hypes you and swears he’s going to fail, only to casually secure a 78 ‘A’ during the release of the result – do not congratulate them, just nod. You have witnessed a master of the dark arts.

In UI, the AgbaScholar is not your friend. They are competitors. Use your brain.