By: Lord Whistledown
Renowned Philosopher, Pagan Grey, said, and I quote “Pain is the Ultimate Aphrodisiac”. The famous Japanese Tao Master, Niggato, consolidated this when he opined that, “you can see the beauty of the world, only by knowing True Pain” . Why did I have to go this route? It’s because I know you Lagbaja. You are in a toxic relationship with The big Hen himself – You Hai, but you never dey exposed. You don’t appreciate the Melange of toxic spice he keeps bringing to this two-way intercourse. Now, don’t we have a novice here? As your favourite relationship coach, let me quickly walk you through You Hai’s Book DSM method. Maybe, if you know, you’d appreciate him more. Of course, that is what I do, I fix your non-toxic relationship. You are welcome.
PS: I know you have nothing to offer in this bed called life. But relax, remain tethered to the bed pole, and enjoy the ride
- Intellectual Masochism
May it not be heard, that on this bed called life, you have not heard about the beauty of masochism. I know what You Hai has been doing. He has been choking your thoughts with the SDC pillow. Well, isn’t that kinky? I wonder what you need to think for, especially when all you need to do is to pass your exam and have good character. Oh, you think you need to be smart to have good grades? Or good Character? Well, aren’t you a clown? How do you think your relationship will be fun if your brain could actually breathe well? How would you remember your master if he actually plays fair? How would you reminisce, and actually miss here? You want your studentship to end this year? Wow, look at this girl! (I know, you feel these rhymes, but it is what we do).
- Shege, but the Kind you get Arching Over
Now, what were you thinking? You want to have it straight? Oh Hell No! You need to arch your back, writing tests in a laboratory instead of a classroom. You need to arch for several hours in the reading room, and the library to score an A. You need to arch your back over the Kanga at Indy instead of fetching water from the tap. You need to arch your Back Killing Snakes at Idia, instead of on the race track. You always need to arch your back because how else do you want the Big Hen, a.k.a You Hai to help you from the hind?
- The Very Dark Shege
This is the greatest level of Shege, and the most important one. I know you are familiar with this already. It is the type of Shege that sets the mood for you and You Hai, in this bed called life. This type of Shege was specially developed in Havard. I like to call it, the Shege in the Dark. Well, I hope it wasn’t like you expected him to always turn on the lights for you. I mean, what is intercourse, without the darkness? You should know that you are entitled to a few hours of light on some days. On some other days, no light at all. And on some generous days, you have light for hours. Oh My! You-Hai does know how to spice things up.
Well, I know you must have started seeing my point. In fact, my years of psychoanalysis tell me that you had already started enjoying it. You did not just want to admit it. Well, I’d advise you to go with the flow, flow with the tide, and enjoy the ride.
Don’t worry this session does not cost much, it’s only about 3 minutes of your time. And till we meet again when your relationship is becoming less Toxic, it’s your favourite relationship coach, Lord Whistledown. Have a Shege-filled day ahead.
